My dearest Noah,
It’s been such a long time since I last wrote you a letter. I know that being too busy isn’t a good excuse, but it’s the only one I can offer. We’ve been so caught up in the mundane day-to-day routine that I often forget to take a step back, and just enjoy spending time with you.
These days, I am extremely aware of the limited one-on-one time we have left together. Your baby brother and sister will hopefully be arriving in August, and every day, we pray together, asking God to keep them inside mummy’s womb till they are full-term, not only because we want them to be healthy and safe, but also because mummy wants to be able to spend as much time as possible with you. You’ve been my only baby for almost four years now, and I’ve been hit by waves of nostalgia recently whenever I look at you.
I remember how scared I was, the first time I held you, because it was just so surreal. We had tried for so long to have a baby, and my focus throughout the pregnancy was simply to STAY pregnant, so much so that I didn’t really think about what would happen after you were born.
I remember struggling to nurse you initially, and then how much I loved nursing you. It was definitely more difficult for me to give up breastfeeding than it was for you to stop being nursed, and I know this because even though I nursed you for 33 months old, you say you don’t remember being breastfed at all when we ask you about it now. I still wish I could have nursed you for a longer time, but well, I had to stop so that we could go for IVF again.
I remember going everywhere with you strapped snuggly to my chest in the Manduca, and loved having you so close to me. I remember how you used to need to snuggle with me in order to fall asleep, and I miss having you sleep on my arm, tucked up against me.
These days, you’re a big boy who tells me, “No need to pat.” when I attempt to pat you to sleep. You fall asleep on your own, although you sometimes take ages to do so. You run around wildly whenever you can, and I no longer have to carry you when we go out. Oh how I miss carrying you, my baby boy! I haven’t been able to carry you since we started on the FET cycle last May, and it pains me when I have to tell you to ask Daddy to carry you instead. You’ve been such a good boy, never once insisting that I carried you, and now, Daddy is the one who gets to carry you when you’re tired. I envy Daddy for that, and my heart breaks a little when I see you resting your head against Daddy’s shoulder, because I really wish I could feel that again. By the time I give birth and recover sufficiently to carry you, I don’t know if you’ll still want to be carried, but I’d love to be able to pick you up, and carry you, if only for a little while, because you’ll always be my baby, no matter how big you get.
Daddy’s little koala
I love that you’re so generous with your hugs and kisses, and that you still like having me hold you close to me. My huge belly gets in the way, but you still ask to snuggle with me before you go to bed at night, and sometimes when you wake up in the mornings. As much as I scold you for not going to sleep earlier, I do hope you know that it’s not because I don’t want to snuggle with you. I would do that forever if I could. I want you to sleep on your own mattress because you sleep better there, and you definitely won’t be able to sleep on our bed after the babies are born, so it makes sense for you to get used to sleeping on your mattress now. I love how you insist on singing the same song (“小兔子乖乖”) to the babies every night before you go to bed, and how your eyes light up when one of them kicks against your hand as you talk and sing to them.
I love holding your hand when we walk, and having little conversations with you about everything and anything. I’m sorry we haven’t been able to go to the playgrounds as often as we used to. Mummy is terrified that you’ll catch HFMD, plus I no longer have the energy to hang out at playgrounds with you. Thankfully, Daddy brings you out to scoot and play various sports quite often, so I don’t feel that guilty. I love that you and Daddy have gotten much closer recently, and I’d like to think that it’s a very good consequence of this pregnancy.
Things are going to change drastically for you soon, with Daddy having to spend more time in Jakarta for work, and I pray that we will be able to cope well with this new arrangement together. As it is, you often tell me that you miss Daddy, and beg to tag along when Daddy goes on his work trips. You know very well now that “mummy has babies” and therefore cannot go overseas, so you even tried promising to stand still next to Daddy’s table at work, just so that he would bring you along. Know that Daddy misses you tremendously when he’s away too, and I promise that we will get to be together as a family every day, as soon as the babies are able to travel.
I’ve become very protective of our family time together, because our days of “just the three of us” are so limited. I’m also trying to spend as much one-on-one time with you, because I know we will both definitely miss that once the babies arrive. You have become a tad more independent in working on activities on your own, though most of the time, you prefer having me nearby. I really appreciate how you very sweetly tell me to sit on the sofa while you work at your desk, and offer to bring me the beanbag if you want me to sit at the table with you.
You have never once complained about me not being able to do something with you because of the pregnancy, and for that, I’m very grateful. Sure, you’ve been acting up more, and deliberately ignoring us when we ask you to do something, but I think it’s part and parcel of you growing up and testing your boundaries. I hate having to raise my voice at you, or to send you to the corner, but Daddy and I both discipline you because we don’t want you to be spoilt. There’s no “good cop, bad cop” in our household, because we believe in being consistent, and want you to know that both of us are united in helping you develop a good character.
You’ll be having your month-long school holidays next week, and I really hope to be able to spend every single moment with you, because I won’t have as much time for you when the babies are born. I don’t have anything concrete planned yet, because I probably won’t be able to bring you out that much, but I know that we’ll be just fine, as long as we are together. That’s all I really want: to be there with and for you. Yes, it might be tiring, but this is really the last three months of me being able to give you all my attention, and I want to be able to do at least that for you.
You’re going to be an amazing korkor, sweetheart. It might be tough initially, but we will get through the rough patches together as a family, okay? I hope that you know just how much mummy loves you, and I pray that you’ll never feel neglected or unloved, because you are so very loved by us.
I love you more than you can ever imagine, my darling baby boy. You’ll always be mummy’s baby, even after the babies are born, okay? As you always like to say, “I love you so, so much!”
With all my love,
Just the two of us, April 2016